Monday, October 30, 2006

it always is

my head is reeling. i had a really nice, relaxed weekend complete with a few movies, a good book, a few naps, mandolas, some friends ... and then this morning, after i finished a long run in this amazing weather i felt like i was gonna lose it. all of a sudden i'm anxiety ridden, panic stricken, feeling like my heart will rip out of my chest. our new york screening is this weekend and los angeles is next weekend. hell, i pretty much forgot about my birthday in all of the crazed preparations. i'm getting to a point that i'm ready for everything to be over. i'm ready to stop emailing a million people a day, wondering, praying that some of them will show up to a screening. i'm tired of worrying about the fact that i'm going freelance soon. no more good insurance coverage, no more vacation days, sick days, holidays ... this is a total turning point for me. all of this. everything. it's almost like sink or swim. cutting the rope. i wish i drank alcohol. i wish i could calm my frayed nerves with a glass of wine or a gin and tonic.

i've been worrying a lot lately. about everything really. having kids, having money, financing the next project, paying off investors from the last one, whether i'm a good writer, good director, good human being, good wife, good friend ... it'll pass. it always does. i'm just in a strange place today. tomorrow will be different. it always is.

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