Thursday, September 22, 2005

like dust

i feel like i've pullen the wool over people's eyes. like maybe people think that i'm this girl who really has her shit together. no worries. no problems. cool as school. i have big dreams. i'm an overachiever. i try and run farther and longer than everyone else. i'm calm and collected. level headed. i let mean words and grudges fall off me like dust. i can do everything put in front of me and maintain sanity.

i've been crying a lot. mostly sitting behind my desk at work. i feel overwhelmed and confused. my balance continually gets pulled up from beneath me. when i fall it hurts. really bad. i get jealous and lost. i worry that people won't like me. i worry that people will think my movies are terrible and boring. i feel like sometimes i have nothing to say. i feel like speaking up will get me in more trouble than keeping my mouth shut. i feel a tremble in my belly. i feel like no matter what i do, it's always wrong. i feel like i'm fooling a lot of people.

1 comment:

Clare said...

The wonderful and terrible thing about being human is that we can be all the things in the first paragraph AND all the things in the second. Being complex is what makes us interesting. You ARE cooler than school, you are an overachiever but anyone who knows you for even five minutes knows that words and grudges will penetrate you and make you cry - that's why you have so many loyal people who surround you and protect you and are there to bolster you when you need it. You command instant loyalty without even asking for it. To stand by you and for you is as natural as breathing to those of us who love and admire you.

Of course you feel off balance. Think of what you have done for the last several months? I just went to the fair last weekend and went on my first roller coaster in a long time. It's a cliched metaphor but it really did take me several minutes for my legs, brain and stomach to function normally again. So, imagine being on a roller coaster for 6 months (at least for this film, right?). It will take you a little while to find your equilibrium again.

And finally, something all of us struggle with, especially artists, you can't be all things to all people. Some people won't like your movies, but so what? They might be the same people who like Rob Schneider movies.

Thanks for sharing the darkness as well as the light. I love you Kitty Kat.

Clare ox